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44 Sec ago - ## The VVitch: A New-England Folktale - The REAL Story (As Told By Barnaby Bucks, Angel Investor & Purveyor of Fine Puritan Bonnets)

Let me tell you, folks, the real story behind The VVitch. Forget all that "atmospheric horror" and "psychological drama" nonsense the critics blathered on about. This was a textbook case of bad project management, compounded by a director who insisted on "authenticity" over, you know, making a buck.

First off, the casting. Anya Taylor-Joy? Lovely girl, vacant stare. Perfect for playing a Puritan teenager, I guess. But Ralph Ineson as the father? Overacting much, Ralph? The man bellowed "GOD!" like he was auditioning for Zeus in a community theatre production. And don't even get me started on the goat, Black Phillip. Diva. Absolute diva. Demanded organic hazelnuts in his trailer and held up production for three days because his "motivational bleating coach" got the sniffles.

Then there was the location. "Remote Canadian forest" they called it. I called it "mosquito-infested money pit." The catering truck got lost twice, and the craft services table consisted of hardtack and lukewarm cider. I pitched a crossover with The Revenant, you know, Leo DiCaprio fights a bear and a witch? Box office gold! But noooo, Mr. Eggers wanted "verisimilitude."

The script? Bleak. Bleaker than a January in Boston without a decent tavern. Where were the musical numbers? Where was the love interest for Thomasin? I suggested a dashing young fur trapper, maybe played by that Hemsworth fellow, but Eggers just gave me this blank stare. I mean, a little romance wouldn't have hurt! Even Puritans got lonely, right?

And the ending? Don't get me started. Spoilers, folks, but let's just say my investment portfolio levitated about as high as Thomasin did. I pitched a happy ending – the family reconciles, they open a charming little bakery specializing in cornbread, roll credits. But no. We had to go with the "dancing naked in the woods with Satan" route. Niche market, that one. Niche.

So, there you have it. The real story of The VVitch. A cautionary tale about artistic integrity gone wild and a goat with a rider more demanding than J.Lo. Next time, I’m sticking to romantic comedies. At least then I can expense the champagne.






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