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47 Sec ago - ## The VVitch: A Puritan Pop Phenomenon (A Highly Fictionalized History)

Forget the slow burn horror. Forget the critical acclaim. The real story of The VVitch is way weirder. It's 1630, and Robert Eggers hasn’t even been born yet, let alone conceived a chilling folktale. No, my version of The VVitch started as a... children's puppet show.

See, Puritan kids needed entertainment too, and what’s more entertaining than a cautionary tale about the dangers of vanity and straying from the path of God? Black Phillip was a sassy, wisecracking raven puppet, voiced by a local farmer with a knack for impressions. Thomasin was a plucky heroine, always outsmarting the Devil’s temptations with her quick wit and Bible verses (which, let's be honest, needed some jazzing up for the kiddies – think early Hamilton-style rap battles).

The show, "Thomasin's Triumphant Truth!" was a smash. Dolls, wooden toys, and even Black Phillip hand puppets flew off the shelves. "Blessed be!" became the Puritan equivalent of "Cowabunga!" You couldn't walk down the cobbled streets without seeing kids wearing Thomasin’s signature bonnet and reciting her catchphrases. The show toured the colonies, charming even the most stern-faced elders.

But then, things got weird.

Rumors started spreading. Whispers of children disappearing after performances, replaced by oddly lifelike wooden dolls. A strange black goat was spotted lurking backstage. Townsfolk claimed the Black Phillip puppet moved on its own, its button eyes following them with unsettling accuracy. Mass hysteria ensued. "Thomasin's Triumphant Truth!" was declared heretical, the puppets burned in a public bonfire. The farmer who voiced Black Phillip vanished without a trace, leaving behind only a single raven feather and a faint smell of sulfur.

The story faded into legend, becoming a twisted folktale whispered around crackling fireplaces. Fast forward to 2015, and some filmmaker named Robert Eggers "discovers" this "lost" tale. He "reimagines" it as a dark, unsettling horror film, completely missing the original’s playful spirit and catchy tunes. Sure, it won some awards, but where’s the merchandising goldmine? No talking Black Phillip plush toys? No Thomasin action figures? A missed opportunity, I tell you. A tragedy.

So, next time you watch The VVitch, remember the real story. Remember the puppet show, the children's laughter, the sassy raven, and the whispers of something… darker. Blessed be, indeed. But mostly, blessed be the merchandising opportunities that could have been.






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