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58 Sec ago - ## Kraven: The Hunter: A Parody History (For Mature Audiences Only)

(Opening scene: A lavish, yet strangely tacky, Russian hunting lodge. Stuffed animals leer from every corner. Kraven, played by a visibly bored Nicolas Cage, strokes a taxidermied chihuahua wearing a tiny monocle.)

KRAVEN (V.O.) They called me Sergei Kravinoff. But you can call me… bored. Seriously, yawn-inducingly bored. I'd bagged every creature on God's green Earth, twice. Twice! Even the elusive albino squirrel of Surrey. (Shudders dramatically) Existence had become a beige tapestry of tedium. Until… him.

(Cut to Spider-Man, played by Danny DeVito in a poorly-fitting suit, stuck in a giant web hammock. He's reading a newspaper.)

SPIDER-MAN (Muttering) Stock market’s down again. Aunt May needs new dentures. This gig sucks.

(Kraven enters, striking a ludicrously heroic pose.)

KRAVEN Spider-Man! Prepare to be… hunted! I shall mount your head above my fireplace! Next to Mr. Snuggles, the monocled chihuahua, of course.

SPIDER-MAN (Sighing) Look, buddy, I've got a backache, and the Mets are playing tonight. Can we do this another time?

KRAVEN (Gasps) You dare defy Kraven the Hunter?! I, who once wrestled a grizzly bear while reciting Shakespeare! (Whispers) It was a condensed version.

(Flashback montage of Kraven struggling to pin down a confused-looking teddy bear while misquoting Hamlet.)

(Back in the lodge)

KRAVEN I track my prey with unparalleled skill! I can smell fear!

(He sniffs the air theatrically, then wrinkles his nose.)

KRAVEN Is that… pastrami on rye?

(Cut to Spider-Man eating a sandwich on a nearby branch.)

SPIDER-MAN What? A guy's gotta eat.

(The "hunt" consists primarily of Kraven tripping over his own feet, getting stuck in trees, and arguing with squirrels. Spider-Man mostly just tries to avoid him while juggling his various responsibilities.)

SPIDER-MAN (On the phone) Yeah, Mr. Jameson, I got pictures of that bank robbery. And Kraven trying to floss with a vine. Front page material, I tell ya.

(Climax: Kraven finally corners Spider-Man in a botanical garden. He raises his ridiculously oversized hunting rifle.)

KRAVEN This is it, Spider-Man! Any last words?

SPIDER-MAN Yeah, actually. Do you validate parking?

(Kraven is so flustered by this mundane question that he drops the rifle, which promptly explodes, covering him in fertilizer. He starts sprouting leaves.)

KRAVEN Curse you, Spider-Man! You have… fertilized me!

SPIDER-MAN Looks like you're about to become… Kraven the Houseplant! (Web-swings away, chuckling.)

(Final scene: Kraven, now a giant Venus flytrap, sits in the hunting lodge. Mr. Snuggles the chihuahua, still wearing his monocle, perches on one of his leafy fronds, looking unimpressed.)

KRAVEN (V.O.) Revenge… will be… photosynthesized.

(Fade to black. Post-credit scene: Danny DeVito in the Spider-Man suit wins the lottery.)

(The End?)






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