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Okay, so picture this: I'm Ashlynn, galaxy-famous influencer, right? My Insta feed is fire, my TikToks are trending harder than a supernova, and I've got more sponsors than a Martian rover has dust particles. So when Weyland-Yutani Corp offers me an all-expenses-paid trip to this "undiscovered paradise planet" for a "totally safe promotional campaign," I'm like, "Duh, where do I sign?"

Spoiler alert: not a paradise. More like a primordial swamp with suspiciously bioluminescent mosquitos the size of Chihuahuas.

The whole "crew" is, like, a total mess. We've got Captain Buzzkill, who's obsessed with regulations; Dr. Dweeb, who quotes Xenobiology textbooks instead of, like, talking to actual humans; and Chad, the muscle-bound security guy who spends more time flexing in the mirror than scanning for, you know, aliens.

So we land on this planet, Romulus – which, side note, is a totally unoriginal name, even I could come up with something better – and almost immediately, things go sideways. Turns out, the "safe promotional samples" were actually glowing green eggs. Eggs that hatch into, guess what? Adorable little facehuggers! Not so adorable when they're trying to latch onto your face, FYI.

Chad, bless his protein-shake-addled heart, tries to fight one off with his bare pecs. It…doesn't go well. The facehugger, surprisingly strong for something that looks like a slimy octopus hand, attaches itself to his face and just…vibrates. Chad screams like a little girl, which, considering his usual macho act, was peak comedy.

Meanwhile, I'm live-streaming the whole thing to my followers. #AlienEncounter #FaceHuggerFail #SoNotSponsoredAnymore is trending galaxy-wide. My engagement metrics are through the roof.

Then, the real fun begins. Chestbursters. Chad, still vibrating, suddenly convulses, and this…thing…bursts out of him. It looks like a cross between a shrimp and a nightmare. It screeches, it drools acid, it does not care about my meticulously crafted aesthetic.

So, what do I do? Panic? Scream? Nope. I grab my selfie stick. Gotta get the perfect angle, even during an alien apocalypse. "Hey guys, so this just happened… #ChestbursterChallenge #AlienInvasion #StillCuteTho."

The alien, distracted by the flash of my holo-camera, pauses its rampage. It tilts its head, like it's trying to understand my influencer logic. I take the opportunity to snap a quick pic with it – me, all smiles, the chestburster looking confused and slightly slimy in the background.

Then, Captain Buzzkill finally shows up with a flamethrower. "Get back, Ashlynn! It's dangerous!"

I roll my eyes. "Please, Buzzkill. Danger is my middle name. Besides, this is content gold."

The flamethrower does its thing. The alien screeches one last time, then collapses into a gooey mess. I sigh. "Well, that was short-lived. Anyone else wanna be Insta-famous?"

The rest of the crew, understandably traumatized, just stare at me in horror. Whatever. More followers for me. #AlienQueen #RomulusRuined #GottaBlast.






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