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18 Sec ago - ## Helm's Deep... Again?! My Butt's Gone Numb From All This Epicness (A Rohirrim Review)

Folks, I've seen things. I've seen Elves floss with spider silk. I've seen Dwarves use trolls as bowling pins. I've even seen Hobbits second breakfasting for a solid three hours. But nothing, and I mean nothing, prepared me for the sheer, unadulterated, butt-numbing epicness that is The Lord of the Rings: The War of the Rohirrim.

First off, let's talk about the horses. Oh, sweet Eru, the horses. These aren't your grandma's Shire ponies, no sir. These are warhorses ripped straight from the nightmares of orcs everywhere, with enough horse-power to jump the Misty Mountains in a single bound (probably). I'm pretty sure one of them winked at me during a particularly dramatic charge. I think his name was Steve.

Then there's Helm Hammerhand. This guy. This guy. Imagine Gimli on steroids, crossed with Boromir's stubbornness, and seasoned with a healthy dose of "I'm going to yell so loud my beard catches fire." Every line he delivers is a masterpiece of Rohan-y rage poetry. I’m half convinced he invented heavy metal.

The siege itself? Forget Helm's Deep 1.0. This is Helm's Deep Extreme Edition, with extra explosions, more Uruk-Hai than you can shake a stick at (not recommended, they bite), and enough dramatic slow-motion shots to make Zack Snyder blush. There's one scene where a Rohan warrior kicks a ladder full of orcs off the wall while simultaneously juggling flaming torches. It's pure cinematic gold.

However, I do have one minor complaint. And I mean minor. My butt has gone completely numb. Three hours of epic cavalry charges and wall-smashing action will do that to a fella. I'm considering investing in a memory foam saddle for future viewings.

Also, there’s a slightly awkward moment where Helm Hammerhand’s helmet gets slightly askew during a battle. It kinda ruins the whole intimidating warlord vibe. It's like catching Gandalf in his fuzzy bunny slippers. Just… jarring.

But overall? The War of the Rohirrim is a must-see. It's a glorious, bombastic, horse-powered spectacle that'll leave you breathless and possibly needing a chiropractor. Just remember to bring a cushion. Your posterior will thank you.

Rating: 4.5 out of 5 Butts (slightly numb, but worth it).

Post-Script: Seriously though, does anyone know Steve the horse's agent? I need an autograph. And maybe some riding lessons.






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