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The PTA meeting was a swirling vortex of aggressively-scented hand sanitizer and barely-suppressed resentment. I, Ms. Periwinkle, veteran kindergarten teacher and connoisseur of tiny human chaos, sat amidst the mayhem, sipping lukewarm coffee from a travel mug decorated with glitter glue and suspiciously sticky fingerprints. Tonight’s hot topic? The mysterious disappearance of all the classroom goldfish.

“My little Aiden said it was a monster,” a woman in a yoga pantsuit hissed, clutching a half-eaten granola bar like a weapon. “A hairy, smelly monster!”

Another chimed in, “Little Chloe swears she saw wings.”

A nervous murmur rippled through the room. I cleared my throat, my voice raspy from years of singing “The Wheels on the Bus” slightly off-key.

“Now, now, ladies,” I began, attempting my best soothing teacher voice, “I’m sure there’s a perfectly reasonable explanation. Perhaps a particularly ambitious raccoon…”

Before I could finish, the PTA president, Deborah, a woman whose perfectly coiffed blonde bob could withstand a hurricane, slammed her hand on the table. “Raccoon? Ms. Periwinkle, we are not idiots! Something unnatural is happening in this school.”

I suppressed a sigh. Deborah had been on edge ever since the incident with the mysteriously sentient finger-paint that had spelled out “FEED ME” on the art room wall. Truth be told, I’d been a little on edge myself. Ever since the mothering… transition… I’d developed a certain, shall we say, affinity for raw meat and an alarming tendency to growl at the mailman.

Suddenly, a high-pitched shriek pierced the air. Little Timmy, notorious for his escape artistry and fondness for glitter glue, burst through the doors, eyes wide with terror. “The hamster! It’s…it’s molting!”

Molting? I exchanged a nervous glance with the art teacher, Ms. Bloom, who’d been sporting increasingly prominent dark circles and a distinct, musky odor. We’d both seen the documentary about the local fox population's bizarre new shedding patterns.

Then, the unmistakable sound of scratching came from behind the supply closet. Deborah gasped, reaching for a bottle of hand sanitizer like it was holy water. I, however, felt a strange thrill course through me. A primal urge to… sniff.

With a dramatic flourish, I flung open the closet door. There, amidst stacks of construction paper and half-empty glue sticks, sat the missing goldfish. All twenty of them. Except now, they weren’t goldfish. They were… kittens. Tiny, fluffy, orange kittens, mewing pathetically.

The room fell silent. Deborah fainted. Ms. Bloom let out a low, guttural growl that sounded suspiciously like a purr. And me? I couldn’t help but crack a smile. After all, who needs goldfish when you can have kittens? Besides, the PTA meeting snacks were looking particularly tempting tonight. Especially the cheese puffs. They smelled… delicious. Almost as delicious as… raw liver. I swallowed hard. Maybe I needed to lay off the red meat. Just for a little while. Maybe.






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