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Hello sir we are bringing this to your attention to inform you that we have received a multitude of worried and distressed emails from reoccurring Sainsbury's and home bargains shoppers, staying that they have claimed to bear witness to a crazed but manic parrot nosed pensioner going on a complete and utter rampage in the bread isle, which as a result of this, led to over £100 worth of property damage, to value 50/50 bread, and a helpless yet terrified infant.

To add on to this, several witnesses of the traumatic event claimed to have heard the alleged individual go up to a elderly woman, whom he asked " yo love how much money for a wee whiff of my finger "

Furthermore we have also being receiving stories and claims in regards to you alleged illegal and unauthorized use of Sainsbury's nectar cards, which consist but and not limited to, buying 200 kettles,
50 multipacks of flamin fajita mcoys crisps, along with, 100 multipacks of beef hoop mcoys crisps, and 200L of milk.

We will provide you a two week notice in order to respond to these allegations, if no attempt or response is made in the next 2 weeks, in order to rectify these unjust and unsightly actions, then prompt action will be taken in the form of the Sainsbury's fraud department, which will enact and will be given permission and total authority to utilise lethal force in the form of fingers, you have been warned.

Yo mate you've got a quare auld squaker on you there, so we reckon it would be in our best interest if we could provide you with a 20 percent off discount on all bird seed related products in the squaker sale, indicated by the size of you beak, that includes items such as bird fat balls, bird grain, sunflower satchels, and mealworms, if that tickles your feathers/cockerel.

Additionally, as we have ascertained through your purchasing and viewing history, we know you are a fan of a blue tit (if you know what I mean) so we also included a buy one get one free bird gimp mask everytime you buy a packet of McCoy's beef hoop crisps or mealworms at either Sainsbury's or home bargains, please keep in mind and be wary not to peck up more than you can swallow.

If you don't respond to this email within the 2 weeks notice, the council will brick your fire stick you repugnant bird nose tosser.

-Prehistoric Paul, chief executive of the Sainsbury's fraud department and Social services NI.

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