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51 Sec ago - ## The Substance: A Seriously Retrospect-ive (and Totally Fabricated) History

Ah, The Substance. A film so shrouded in myth, rumour, and outright fabrication, it makes the search for the Holy Grail look like a trip to the corner store. My involvement, as the film’s composer (a title I wear with the weight of a thousand unreleased synth scores), is just one strand in this tangled, gooey web.

Let's begin, as all good tragedies do, with hubris. Director Corman Van Der Beek (distant cousin of that Van Der Beek) had a vision. Nay, a fever dream. He envisioned a film that blended the raw sexual energy of a Troma flick with the existential dread of Ingmar Bergman, all while showcasing the latest advancements in practical effects: namely, a vat of sentient lime jelly he’d acquired from a disgruntled Jell-O scientist.

Casting was… problematic. Our lead, Brock Hardbody (real name: Bartholomew Higgins), was a former male stripper who believed method acting involved living as your character 24/7. This meant weeks of him strutting around set in a loincloth, oiled up and muttering lines like, "The Substance… she whispers to me." The female lead, a rising star named Tiffany Sparkle, communicated exclusively through interpretive dance, a decision that baffled the crew and, frankly, made post-production dialogue looping a nightmare.

My task, as composer, was to create a score that captured the film’s… unique… tone. Van Der Beek demanded a soundtrack that was "Wagnerian in scope, but with the rhythmic pulse of a disco inferno." I presented him with a delicate piano concerto exploring the themes of alienation and gelatinous overlords. He countered by blasting "Disco Duck" and yelling, "More like THIS!"

Then came the Substance itself. That pulsating, iridescent goop had a mind of its own, frequently oozing off-set and into the catering truck (leading to some truly psychedelic fruit salads). Rumour has it the Substance even developed a crush on Tiffany Sparkle, occasionally enveloping her in a shimmering embrace during particularly emotional scenes. This, understandably, impacted her performance.

The premiere was… an event. Protesters from the "Citizens Against Sentient Dessert" group picketed the theatre. Critics fled screaming. Brock Hardbody, still in character, challenged a film critic to a greased-up wrestling match. The Substance, apparently displeased with the audience reaction, staged a walkout, oozing down the aisle and out into the night.

The Substance vanished from cinemas faster than you can say "dissolving celluloid." Bootleg VHS copies became the stuff of legend, traded in darkened back alleys by cinephiles with a taste for the bizarre. Van Der Beek retreated to a secluded yurt, muttering about the ingratitude of the artistic community. Tiffany Sparkle joined a travelling circus, where she discovered a surprising aptitude for juggling flaming bowling pins. And me? I went on to compose jingles for cat food commercials. A far cry from Wagner, perhaps, but at least the cat food wasn’t sentient.

So, there you have it. The true, completely unverified, and likely hallucinatory history of The Substance. A cautionary tale about artistic ambition, the perils of practical effects, and the importance of keeping your lime jelly refrigerated. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a jingle about tuna to finish. The client wants something "jazzy, but with a hint of existential dread."






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